No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
it hurts more in the daytime
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
