Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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