I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
