my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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