I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
