I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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