Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
