Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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