i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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