I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
