sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
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