Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
