Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
