While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
