Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
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If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
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I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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