i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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