I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
