Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
