I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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