My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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