you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
