Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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