I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
