I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
