im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
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