I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
