I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
