So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
