true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
