even my farts smell like vagina
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I love you. Go after that dick
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
