im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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