dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
