just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
