the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
