Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
