I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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