I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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