don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
