I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
