She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
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I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
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I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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