it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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