did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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