So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
