literally had 100 drinks last night.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
