her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Ladies don't puke and tell
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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