More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
