oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
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