I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
