You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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