Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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