I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize