He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I came so hard my ears popped.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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