Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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