Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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