My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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