in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
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We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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