goodnight i made you a song goodbye
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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