also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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