I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
